If we live, we live to the Lord; and if we die, we die to the Lord.
So, whether we live or die, we belong to the Lord. Romans 14:8
After the first fog of grief lifted, one of things that I thought about most when Becky died was my own mortality. I was almost 34 when she died so maybe that is the age when people often start thinking about the possibility of death. I don't know. What I do know is that Becky dying made me feel old. Sounds strange, I know. Maybe it is because it was my first real taste of death. I mean, you expect grandparents to die. Sisters are supposed to grow old with you.
I've been thinking about my mortality again lately. I have been having this pain in my side. I've been to the doctor about it a lot. I've been poked and prodded. I've had gallons of blood drawn. My doctor doesn't see anything wrong, he doesn't know why I'm having pain. So he ordered a CT Scan. For some reason, scheduling the CT Scan was the moment I thought something might be truly wrong. Something about big machinery and the ability to see inside my body, I guess.
Anyway, I've been thinking about it. What if there is something major wrong? What if my kids have to learn about things like cancer and chemotherapy? What if it is something else, something chronic and disabling? How would these things change who I am and what I am called to be?
I am not usually a worst-case-scenario kind of girl. In fact, I generally believe everything will be perfect. I expect the best in every situation...probably because I've so rarely been faced with actual worst cases. Waiting for the results of this test, I realized: there is no worst case. The price has already been paid for my worst case scenario. Jesus died so that I would be spared the worst case penalty.
Everything else is just the life that He chooses to give me. So, if I live, I live for the Lord. If I die, I die for the Lord. No matter what happens, it is all for the Lord.
When I think about things like this I think about the "what ifs". You know: what would my husband do; what would my kids do; what would happen to the house/the bills/the laundry. These are silly things to think about. If I got sick or died, my husband would survive. My children would go one living. Decisions would be made, for sure, difficult decisions. Who knows how it would all work out. But that is not worth worrying about. More than ever I understand Jesus' instructions in Matthew 6:34 "Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own."
I recently read a quote: "Worry never robs tomorrow of its sorrow, it only saps today of its joy." That is the truth. Worrying will not change tomorrow. I do not know what will happen tomorrow. But I can be present today, be joyful today, love the life I have today. And that is what I am going to do.